kids say the darndest things

The other day when we had the balloon launch for Mom, Layla was looking up toward heaven blowing as hard as she could. Her face was turning read, and her little body was shaking because she was blowing SO HARD. I asked her what she was doing, she said "I just sent a kiss up to Grandma, and I want to make sure he gets to her". So sweet, it made me cry.



This story is most definitely inappropriate to share...but too funny not to. So I'm telling you now, if you are going to let yourself be offended...don't read it! Layla was in my room talking to me as I was getting dressed and ready for the day. I told her to turn around for a minute while I got dressed, but I guess she just had to peek. She suddenly stopped what she was saying mid sentence and exclaimed "Wow, you have REALLY fat ankles Mom!", I laughed and said "what?" as I turned to look at her. She then lifted up her shirt and said "my ankles are little, but I think they'll get fat when I'm a mama too". Haha, I don't have a clue why she thinks they are called ankles...but we'll just leave that one alone for now.




The other day I was at the pita pit (love it btw) with Carter. There were these two cute Hispanic families there, and they started talking to each other in Spanish. Carter looked at me and said "what language are they speaking?", I replied "That's Spanish". He considered that for a moment, and thoughtfully said "I wonder if they speak human?".

In a year

It's times like this I really know I'm not a writer...because I don't know how to express what I'm feeling. I don't know how to say it, or even if I should. Will it be uncomfortable for you, the person reading this, if I write about feelings of sorrow, sadness, grief? Maybe, so if that's the case...you might just want to skip this one, and that is perfectly okay.

Don't say I didn't warn ya.

It had been a LONG, and emotional night. Judy and I had been working our booth at the spring fair all weekend, and we felt exhausted. Both physically, and emotionally. My swollen pregnant body ached, but not as much as my heart. I knew time was short. Mom had been in a "coma like state" for 4 days, but technically, she wasn't in a coma, because every once in a while she would reach...toward heaven. I wondered what, or who, she could see. Was it Amelia, my little sister that died during birth? Or maybe it was Great Grandma Nelson? Mom always loved her.

AS soon as the show was over we packed up our merchandise, and headed over to be with Mom. 5 of her 6 children were there, and my Dad. We gathered around her, and did our best to comfort her through her moans of agony...it broke my heart to see her that way. When she would slip back into sleep, we would slowly move back over to the table. We talked about all the incredible memories we had of Mom, and the mark she had left in so many hearts. Tears flowed down all our cheeks, happy and sad. we stayed until after 2:00am, and even than, debated staying longer. Somehow I made it home, and cried myself to sleep that night...I knew that was the last time I would be with my Mom in this life.

The next morning my phone rang at 6:58am,
"Hello" I said, as I slowly woke up.
"Sus, your going to want to come over here" I heard Joannes ever so strong and comforting voice say.
"Is she gone?" I asked.
Joanne began to cry "yes, she is gone".

I hung up the phone, and realized I was alone in my bed. Craig had already left to go to his bishopric meeting, I felt alone, oh, so alone. It was overwhelming, I couldn't bear it, and I HAD to have Craig. I NEEDED him with me, I longed for his comforting warm arms to embrace me like never before in our 8 years of marriage, 11 year courtship. I frantically called his cell phone...but there was no answer. I tried again, and again, and finally realized his phone was still there, in our room, ringing on the nightstand. I called the bishops cell phone, and he answered on the first ring, I asked to please talk to my husband as the blubbering tears began...the next thing I remember was Craig running to me, and we embraced in the hallway. He held me as my body trembled, and lovingly stroked my back. Not a word was spoken, nothing needed to be said. Slowly, but ever so surely, peace crept into my heart. I began to breath again, and was filled with an overwhelmingly undeniable feeling that everything was as it should be.

That was one year ago.

I have had an incredible amount of "life" happen in the past year, so much has changed. In some ways it still feels so fresh, like Mom just passed last week, but in other ways it feels like it has been years. It's kind of like I'm 'supposed' to be over it, moved on, life back to normal, but that just hasn't happened for me. Mainly, I think my 'normal' is just never going to be the same, so I have to make a new 'normal' for me, and for my little family. I really thought my heart would be healed by now, I mean, a year is a long time, but I guess some hearts need longer than others...and that's OK.

Mom always loved sunsets, and a good view. She taught me about this place with an amazing view, and I later taught that place to Craig...I'm pretty sure that wasn't what she had in mind when she showed it to to me, but hey, it was a great view:) Mom used to say "oh my word, that sunset is beautiful. Let's go watch it" or "Susie, there is great storm rolling in, lets go" and we would run and jump in the car to go watch from our spot. I went to our spot yesterday with the rest of the family, and we had a balloon release for Mom. The kids all wrote notes, or drew pictures for her, and we sent them off to heaven to find her.








Mom,
You know how much you mean to me, and how much I love you. When I look at our perfect little Benson I'm filled with love, but sometimes a little sadness creeps in knowing that you never got to hold him. I miss you always telling my kids how wonderful, smart, cute, fast, and amazing they are...and you telling me. I miss you Mom, so much, and I'm pretty sure that will never change, but we are good...moving forward. I'm so grateful for the pure love you gave to me, and everyone you came in contact with. you taught me so many lessons, in so many areas. Not a day goes by that I don't think "what would Mom do?" or "what would Mom say?" Thank you for your example. Because you did your job so well, we are all going to be ok here, until we meet you again.
Love, Susie

rely on my dreams

It's a party

Last summer the kids and I decided to make one last trek to Boise before Baby Benson made his grand debut. During the course of our visit Carter discovered that Boise had a Chuck E. Cheeses. Not only did they have one, but his oldest cousin worked there. That was it, his mind was set, he was going to spend his next birthday at Chuck E. Cheeses in Boise. If you know Carter at all, you know determination and persistence are two of his strong areas.
Month after month Carter would talk about how great his 6th birthday was going to be in Boise, with his cousins, at Chuckies. Craig and I tried talking him into going to outer limits here in town, or having a friend party, or going to Idaho Falls chukies, all without success.

Carter got his wish, we went to Boise, and chuck e cheese. Lucky for us, biggest cousin was working that night (and part of his job is to wear the mouse costume), so Carter got lots of extra attention...and tokens:) And as if that weren't all great enough, all of his cousins gave him their tickets...so he hat LOTS, and got some fun prizes. He was in Heaven, and kept saying over and over "that was the best birthday EVER" with emphasis on the "EVER". Thank you to all of you that helped make that night so magical for Carter. It is one I think he'll always remember.

While we were in Boise we went rock climbing at the Y, and to my surprise Carter climbed all the way to the tippy top of the rope ladder. Layla saw that little bell at the top of the wall, and looked up at me with big eyes while she exclaimed "I'm going to ring that bell MOM"....she did. It was absolutely unbelievable! the room of people waiting to climb was filled with cheers as we all watched this amazing little 3 year old girl, with the focus of a tiger on the prowl, climb to her goal...the bell. She rang that bell with pride, and then she looked down for the first time from the top of the 35 foot wall. Layla kept her composure, but she definitely didn't know what to do, she froze. After a few minutes and coaxing she made it back down, and I was one proud little Mama. What amazing children I get to spend my life with.

side note: notice the red ribbon Carter is wearing in all the pictures. It says "I am 6" he wore that ribbon ALL WEEK, it was Hill-a-rious. He was SO proud of himself for turning 6:)

any ideas?

Hey, I want to change the color of my backgound behind my posts and stuff, but I can't see where to do that. Anyone know? I would love the help, because my blog is NOT looking so hot right now. Sorry if it hurts your eyes to look at it.

Surprise!

We had a Surprise party for Karen, Craigs Mom, and it was super fun. I was in charge of decorating, and we wanted to do a luau theme for it. I had a few decorations of my own, but we all know the true decorations queen is the one and only miss Karen Hall. So the trick was to get her decorations without spoiling the surprise.
I told a little fib, and said I needed them for preschool, mission accomplished.
The party was at the daws house, so we went over early and went crazy with decorating. It was really fun, and I won't lie...it looked AWESOME!
Everyone worked together to make the surprise happen, and it all worked out. Karen was totally shocked when she openend her eyes and saw everyone there. It was the first Surprise party she had ever had, and you could tell she loved it. I have so much respect and love for my Mother in law, and have been so thankful for her in my life...especially the past year. She just seems to know when I need that Motherly hug, or a little break from my perfectly sweet children.
Love you Karen, and thank you for being a wonderul Grandma to my chickies.